I can see a Clearer View

Today I feel like I can see clearer now and I hope that reminds you of a song like it does me. Mom and I both seem to be in a better place.  I'm not sure who feeds off who but it works.  I finally let go of some things from my past that were bothering me, thank you Higher Power and my Serenity friends for helping with that.  Is everything peachy?  Not a chance, but we are motoring along and the fog seems to have cleared a little.

Currently, we are getting the house ready to put on the market. Once the house sells, we will be moving to North Carolina to be closer to family and better weather and scenery!  I am excited and scared all at the same time.  The farthest I've lived away from Ohio was a year in Kentucky when I was 17, for an unsuccessful attempt at college. I will be really starting over, but I feel like it is the right move to make and all will work out.  Mom has finally come around and even talks about the move in a positive light now.  Of course, everytime she sees the "Myrtle Beach time" commercial on TV she says, "That's where we are going right, where Gillian lives?"  I'm about at the point where I say yes, at least I don't let it bother me anymore and that is improvement.

Speaking of getting the house ready for sale, I have been cleaning out the basement and Wow! My family moved into this house a longgggg time ago, decades and decades ago. Anyway, I am sometimes amazed at some of the things that I am finding, like my mother's report cards from elementary school! And she did indeed have an older brother as a teacher! That had to be terrible!  I also found that talking too much in school runs in the family!  ha ha ha!!!  It was called whispering in class back in her day, but same it's still the same thing. I have also found some of my report cards, not so funny; and tons of pictures!!! What do you do with all the pictures?!?  So far I have filled a tote with them; my life, my parents, and my daughter's.  It is definitely a walk down memory lane.  I have made many trips to the thrift store and trash can with the findings.  I have a keep pile and a sale pile, I'll let you know when the moving sale is going to happen.

Mom has brightened up a little since we had a conversation about what we are taking with us to North Carolina.  For some reason, she thought we would pack a suitcase and leave everything behind even though we had talked about it before and I brought her some totes home.  She was really worried about her stuff, but now she knows it is going too and she is much happier.  Every now and then she will ask me, " Is that going to North Carolina with us?"  It is like reassuring a child and sometimes I have to remind myself of that fact.  I'm getting better wih the help of my Higher Power and a clearer view.

Foggy View

Lately, my view has been fogged by the actions of my mother.  I can’t tell if she is really not feeling well or just acting like she doesn’t feel well. She feels nauseated one day, can’t have a bowel movement the next, then has a sore throat, is ok for a few days and then has a pain in her breast; then we start all over again. Her doctor cannot find a cause for any of these symptoms. So her doctor thinks it might be another UTI or dehydration, but we’ve been waiting 5 days for blood and urine results.  The other school of thought is she is trying to find a way to not move to North Carolina.  I know it seems sad or maybe mean that I would say these things about my mother, but you have to remember she has dementia and most of the time her mind is about 2-5 years old and even before the dementia, she would do anything to get what she wanted.  I deal with this daily so I am used to it, others think it’s cute. It is no longer cute when you are dealing with it on a daily basis, it’s frustrating.  I do my best to be patient, kind, compassionate and understanding. I call it P.U.C.K. and I pray for it every day.  My help is the caregivers that are here 3 days of the week for 5 hours while I am at work. The lady that takes care of mom is amazing,she is so kind and gentle with mom, she puts up with a lot, I know.  The friend, that was helping me, and I had a falling out, so now I have no other help.  This means no breaks, no movies, no lunches or dinners with friends, no meetings (except 1 that 2 friends bring to my house), no me time unless I go in my room and shut the door ( which makes me feel like a child and I am many years past that). Also, mom does not qualify for any of the care programs from the state, city, county or federal government, I’ve been that route.  I’m not putting this out there so people will feel sorry for me, I’m putting it out there because I know I’m not alone. I know there are other caregivers out there like me, frustrated, alone, angry, depressed and lonely.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have good days, because I do.  Just appreciate those you know that are the caregivers, maybe they can be a bit grouchy sometimes, or weepy, or whiny -try to give them a break, our view is foggy some days.