Tuesday, November 10, 2015
A disappearing view
Sometimes I lose my patience with my mother. I get frustrated because she cannot follow simple directions, she is so childlike. It is so hard to accept that she cannot do the normal things of daily living without supervision. I know I can't expect her to act like mom and yet I still do. It is hard to deal with Edna as she is and not have mom as she was. Believe me, we had our issues and plenty of them, but it is pretty difficult to ask for or give forgiveness to someone that thinks ice cream is the highlight of her day and a serious conversation is about what's for dinner. I am doing my best to be compassionate, kind and understanding and I pray every day, continuously. My goal is to provide a glimpse into life with a loved one with dementia. Don't get me wrong, I chose to be here, I am not here out of obligation. It is definitely a roller coaster ride on a daily basis. The hardest thing for me is to take time for me. I know I have to, it's just not that easy. It takes planning and scheduling just to go to an hour meeting and sometimes I just don't have the motivation. So if you are around someone in a similar situation and they seem grouchy or snappy, try to give them a break, literally. It is not easy watching someone mentally disappear right in front of you. And getting away takes a great amount of guilt resolution because the loved one does not want you to go anywhere without them or leave them at home. It really is like having a 5'4" 2 yr old, just tonight I had to "put" her to bed several times before she would stay in bed and she kept taking her pajamas off and putting her clothes back on. I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore today and she needed to stay in bed, just like I used to tell my daughter, and she stayed in bed. I know I have jumped around a lot in this post, but that is how my days usually go, roller coaster rides and a disappearing view.